Dad is remarrying
I have the feeling this is going to be a long, personal, angsty post.
After 25 years of marriage, my parents divorced three years ago. It was awkward after that when mom started dating my dad’s best friend and many other guys after that. It was also awkward when dad started dating again, because he seemed to only date girls my age. Until then, I thought that only happened in movies.
After a while, I got used seeing my mom go out with guys (young and old). My dad currently has a girlfriend that is his age, and she’s very nice. A couple of weeks ago, she asked him to marry her and gave him a huge diamond ring and all. When he first told me I was very happy for them, now, although I’m still happy, I’m worried.
I can see that she is very in love with him, but I don’t know if he feels the same for her. Multiple times he’s told me that he feels uncomfortable around her because she has “a lot of money” and he makes only enough money to survive. She’s always giving him extravagant gifts, taking him to expensive-ass restaurants and constantly getting him new clothes because the clothes he buys apparently aren’t good enough. I told him that if they loved each other money didn’t matter, but he still seemed to bothered by her lifestyle of “throwing money away”.
He’s always been a dominant man, but around her, he seems to tiny. He has even changed since he’s with her. I know that most of those changes are not bad - he shaves more often (because she gets mad otherwise), he brushes his hair and flosses his teeth more often, he changes his shirt ten times before leaving the house, etc. I liked my old scruffy dad, with a the beard unshaven and his legs hairy. He even wants to tidy me and my sisters up before we see his girlfriend. We usually visit him on weekends. I don’t like to get all dressed up on weekends, yet I have to do it if I want to go out to see her. And seeing her is not an option - I’m forced to go.
Another thing that bothers me is that they marrying means that he’ll move in with her, leaving behind the house he lives in now, and that’s the house I grew up in. Weekends with him are great right now because I get to see him in the house I’ve seen him all my life, I get to sleep in my old room, in my old bed. There I do my studying in my old desk. My sisters have their old room there too, and they like to sleep there, or in bed with my dad. At her house, when my sisters and I go to visit, we’ll be more like guests, and we’ll never be comfortable. In all the time I’ve visited her house so far, I feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. She just sits my sisters and I in front of a giant TV and leaves us there for hours. I don’t even like TV. I like my dad’s place to be a second home for me where I can go at any moment if I want or need to.
She has daughters too. Two girls, twins. They’re about 16 years old, like one of my sisters. My dad wants us to treat them like sisters, but it is incredibly hard when they are so different, and in all this time, we haven’t learned anything about each other.
Well, I guess it just feels like my sisters and I won’t have a place in the new family that they are going to form. It’s going to be my dad, his wife, the twins and their dog :(
Despite the loss of your Dad’s ruggedness and your Dad leaving the house you grew up in, I’m sure you’ll adjust somehow. Maybe ask for him to come over from time to time and catch up with the family or invite your Dad and his wife over to dinner? I mean, with every gray cloud, there must be a silver lining. Right?
Hope things go swell for you :)
Sounds like a lot of change in a very short period of time, for you. Regardless I do really hope it all works out for you (and your father) Lene. :)
You can adjust to his fiancee, her daughters, their dog, and what will be your dad’s new house. If she really loves him, things will be okay, right? It will just take a lot of time and be terribly terribly terribly awkward for a while. I doubt that her house will ever feel as much like home as where your father currently lives, but it should begin to feel less strange. Good luck!
My mother is engaged. And even though I like her fiance and his children (who are grown up), I know that it will be awhile before all of us together can feel like a family. I’ve known him for over a year and I still feel strange around him. But it’s what my mother wants and he’s a nice person, so I’m dealing with it.
That is pretty sad… Why don’t you talk to your dad about how you feel?
This sounds tough. A lot of changes. Everything will work out fine though, I bet.
Sounds difficult going through all those bunch of changes all at once! I hope you get through it all okay! :)
I think this will be one of those “major turning in your life” that they talk about in books. Whatever happens, don’t compromise who YOU are for someone else. Best wishes.
Maybe you should tell your dad how you feel? It probably won’t stop him from getting married (which is obviously not what you want since this woman makes him happy), but maybe he can come up with ideas to get the new additions of the family closer together with you and your sisters. Like Austin brought up, every cloud has its silver lining. People are afraid of change, but you always should take the plunge, because you’ll never know what would have happened if you didn’t. You should get to know your new sisters more, and who knows, you may have more in common with each other than you had first realized. Try to make that… err… “girl talk” with them? Talk about… clothes, guys, etcetera. Most girls around here have “girl talk,” but I’m not sure about the girls where you live — however, girls should be the same… I think?
Your dad’s fiancee seems a little high strung though. You need to take her down a few notches. Tell her that, if we’re going to be family, then you have to listen to my feelings on the situation as well. There should be no reason for you to dress up, just to see your father, because she doesn’t approve otherwise. She also needs to stop trying to change your father. If he likes the way he dresses, then she shouldn’t be trying to buy him new clothes and expensive things.
I can indirectly relate to your situation, because my cousin is going through the same thing — my uncle divorced his wife, and now he’s marrying a high-power woman.
Reply: I think it’s cute that you suggest having girl talk with my future sisters in law XD Well, girls here talk about basically the same (boys, clothes)… but I don’t think that’s my case. In real life, I’m more likely to blab on and on about biochemistry, genetics and all that stuff that no one in my family cares about. That’s when I usually pull out a book and ignore everyone :P
I guess something will come around though.
Wow… you know, I’ve always thought that the hardest part about parents divorcing isn’t the actual separation; it’s when they finally settle in with someone else.
When my parents divorced, my mom started going out — a lot. My dad became more absorbed with work and with his own problems; and if he dated, it wasn’t as openly. For a while, it was basically just me and my brother. But eventually, my mom settled down with a chilean boyfriend she had. My dad never remarried; but he’s absorbed in other things, so he’s almost never at the house.
The point is; even though my mom’s boyfriend was a good man, and I was more than old enough to understand what was happening (around 15? 16?), I couldn’t help but feel a huge mess after he officially moved in — I was angry, sad, nostalgic… maybe a part of me *still* had hope that one day my parents would get together, or something; I don’t know. All I know is that man got a lot of undeserved attitude from me, and I still feel somewhat guilty about it — even though it’s been around three or four years since they broke up.
I guess what I want to say is that it’s ok to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling right now; confused, torn, anxious, nostalgic… it’s gonna take a while to adjust, but the changes always settle in at the end. Try talking to your dad — maybe you won’t *have* to stay over all the time; maybe you can figure out a visiting arrangement, until things get more comfortable for you. Whatever the case, I truly hope all works out for you. *hugs*
Awww…I can understand your concerns. Talk to your father, and let him know what’s on your mine. I’m sure he loves you very much, so I don’t think there is too much to worry about. Just be sure you put your feelings on the situation out in the open so everyone can be prepared for the transition of two families coming together.
All change may seem overwhelming at first, but I’m sure after everything’s settled you’ll feel a lot more comfortable around your dad’s girlfriend, and hopefully both your dad and his fiance will make adjustments to make one another feel comfortable with their lifestyle. As long as your dad is happy with her, that’s what’s really important; and though she is really wealthy, she seems to be nice and treat both you and your dad well (which is much better than the alternative!). It must be sooo weird to have your parents split after so long together, and I really hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible!!
Wow I can definitely see why you find everything so weird, and difficult to get used to! I hope things go as smoothly as possibly though. :)